Will you blow on my dice?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We are all done wearing pants today
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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