i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
