I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
