I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
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It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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