mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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