I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
