I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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