I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
