I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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