and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
