I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
