You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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