Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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