I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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