I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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