i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
