it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This is the high leading the old right now
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
