I CAN MOONWALK!
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
