What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my sisters under your porch take her home
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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