According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
