But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
