Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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