A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
