i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
