There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
