Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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