Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
