I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
