Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she told me i tasted like america
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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