it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
