I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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