i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
