Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
