your parents love me but you hate me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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