I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
