When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
