You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
