I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
