why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
