Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
