What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
