our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
