I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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