I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
