i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
