the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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