He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
