as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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