I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
