im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I could make wine with my vomit
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
