Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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