We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
