Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
