tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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