I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
