Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
